Transcript: Angry Czeck Phones McCain After Big Debate

Transmission intercepted by an old Soviet satellite orbiting 30KM over Phoenix, AZ.

Dial tone. Ring...

(Voice believed to be) Sen. J McCain: Yeah. Gimme some straight talk!
Angry Czeck: John! Hey! Angry Czeck! What the hell happened?
Sen. McCain: Oh, uh...hey, you!
AC: Look, I'm at Oxford now, and I'm telling you nobody knows anything about a debate!
Sen. McCain: We had it Friday night, Czeck. Me and Barrack were wondering where you were. Dude, we tried to call you.
AC: Friday! Yes, I was there, man! Right when and where you said! Friday, 8 o'clock, Oxford, England. I bought a new suit and –
McCain: Wait...hold on! Did you say "Oxford, England?"
AC: Yeah! Nobody has even heard of me here!
McCain: Czeck, the debate was in Oxford, Mississippi.
(long pause)
AC: Dude, I swear you said –
McCain: No, no, I said "Mississippi." I was tortured for five years by the Communists, so don't tell me I don't know what I told you.
AC: Sorry, John. I'm not questioning your patriotism. I'm just saying...I mean, I swear somebody said "England."
McCain: Looks like you have a staff to fire.
AC: I don't have a staff. Listen, who's going to reimburse me for this airline ticket? I mean, I barely have enough money to get back to the airport let alone to the States.
McCain: You'll have to talk to Obama's people. They're in charge of expenses.
AC: Yeah. Okay! Hey, I don't want to miss the next debate. Where is it?
McCain: Aw, it's crazy, AC! They're hosting it in Baghdad.
AC: In Iraq? Is that safe?
McCain: Shit yeah, very safe! I walked through the streets several months ago with barely a full platoon.
AC: ...It's just that I haven't got my Secret Service dudes yet...
McCain: Yeah. Remember: BAG-DAD. Wear the American flag pin I sent you.
AC: Yeah, about that pin. It looks really huge...like a target...
McCain: You're cutting out, AC. See you in Iraq, Son!
AC: Wait! John! Don't hang-

End of Call