Transcript: Angry Czeck Phones McCain After Big Debate

Transmission intercepted by an old Soviet satellite orbiting 30KM over Phoenix, AZ.

Dial tone. Ring...

(Voice believed to be) Sen. J McCain: Yeah. Gimme some straight talk!
Angry Czeck: John! Hey! Angry Czeck! What the hell happened?
Sen. McCain: Oh, uh...hey, you!
AC: Look, I'm at Oxford now, and I'm telling you nobody knows anything about a debate!
Sen. McCain: We had it Friday night, Czeck. Me and Barrack were wondering where you were. Dude, we tried to call you.
AC: Friday! Yes, I was there, man! Right when and where you said! Friday, 8 o'clock, Oxford, England. I bought a new suit and –
McCain: Wait...hold on! Did you say "Oxford, England?"
AC: Yeah! Nobody has even heard of me here!
McCain: Czeck, the debate was in Oxford, Mississippi.
(long pause)
AC: Dude, I swear you said –
McCain: No, no, I said "Mississippi." I was tortured for five years by the Communists, so don't tell me I don't know what I told you.
AC: Sorry, John. I'm not questioning your patriotism. I'm just saying...I mean, I swear somebody said "England."
McCain: Looks like you have a staff to fire.
AC: I don't have a staff. Listen, who's going to reimburse me for this airline ticket? I mean, I barely have enough money to get back to the airport let alone to the States.
McCain: You'll have to talk to Obama's people. They're in charge of expenses.
AC: Yeah. Okay! Hey, I don't want to miss the next debate. Where is it?
McCain: Aw, it's crazy, AC! They're hosting it in Baghdad.
AC: In Iraq? Is that safe?
McCain: Shit yeah, very safe! I walked through the streets several months ago with barely a full platoon.
AC: ...It's just that I haven't got my Secret Service dudes yet...
McCain: Yeah. Remember: BAG-DAD. Wear the American flag pin I sent you.
AC: Yeah, about that pin. It looks really huge...like a target...
McCain: You're cutting out, AC. See you in Iraq, Son!
AC: Wait! John! Don't hang-

End of Call

Angry Czeck Linked to the Sinister Cat Stevens.

AP - The Angry Czeck experienced his first taste of the cynical press corps today when the Presidential candidate fielded questions outside a Detroit-area Red Roof Inn.

"Mr. Czeck," shouted a reporter, "is it true that you have tracks from Cat Stevens on your iPod? And if so, how do you defend your support of a suspected Muslim terrorist?"

"Uh...I just like Peace Train. Cat Stevens is a terrorist?" stated Mr. Czeck.

"Is it true that you listen to Peace Train when contemplating your next terrorist move?" inquired a second journalist.

Mr. Czeck then went on the offensive. "Listen, I also have Jars of Clay on my iPod, which should more than seal my Christian credentials. You guys remember Jars of Clay, right?"

"Is it true that when you play Aqualung backwards, you receive a special message from Osama Bin Laden?"

"Who would want to listen to Aqualung backwards?" stammered a clearly flummoxed Mr. Czeck. "It's hard enough to listen to it forwards!"

Popular conservative talk-show host Sean Hannity then appeared from behind a nearby dumpster and screamed, "You just admitted that you're a Muslim and a terrorist! Your 'campaign' is nothing more than a jihad! How do you live with yourself?"

That was when Mr. Czeck abruptly cut off the press conference, claiming that he needed to argue a few "bogus charges" to his Red Roof bill with the hotel manager.

Associated Press

Endorsements Piling Up for Angry Czeck

AP - Inspired by George Bush’s List of Allies in the Fight Against Terror (and For Freedom), The Angry Czeck announced his own list of allies – official endorsements for his Presidency of the United States.

“Sure, my supporters may not have the same star power as, say, Romania,” admitted Mr. Czeck outside his Mobile Ragequarters (currently a leased Ford Stratus). “But where my allies lack in notoriety, or wealth, or influence, or education, of hygiene, or connections, they make up for with fury!”

A stoned teenager then proceeded to pass out what appeared to be copies of a hastily constructed, hand written list, which had been printed on the back of a Domino’s Pizza flyer. The list contained people and organizations who, as Mr. Czeck claims, “have pledged unflagging allegiance to a new era of rancor.”

Included on the list:

1. Uncle Dave
2. Mexico
3. Two-thirds of Ace of Bass
4. Domino’s Pizza, Store #341 (Free Breadsticks w/ Vote!)
5. The Sloganeerist
6. Those guys who found Bigfoot
7. Dick L. Cheney (of Omaha, Nebraska)
8. The Re-Animated Corpse of Liberace
9. Ross Perot


Associated Press


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