Angry Czeck Selfishly Votes for Himself

Emerging from the voter's booth waving a fist of defiance, the Angry Czeck this morning announced his presidential selection to the sleepy voters waiting in line at Big Rock Creek Nondenominational Church.

"I voted for me, Suckers!" screamed the Angry Czeck, pushing the I Voted sticker-lady to the ground. "Just call me Darth Nadar, 2oo8!"

Asked why he would selfishly waste his vote in what is expected to be a tight election between Senators Barack Obama and John McCain, the Angry Czeck was without apology.

"I didn't rent a 2007 Ford Focus and sleep in dozens of Motel Sixes so I could vote for chumps!" declared Mr. Czeck before cringing voters. "I always vote for a winner! And Mom says I'm a winner!"

Mr. Czeck then proceeded to rip open his shirt, pound a fifth of Old Crow whiskey, and challenge the ballot observers to Connect Four.


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Angry Czeck Refuses to Concede: "Eat me!"

AP - Despite registering a negative Q-Rating among registered voters, The Angry Czeck has no plans to shut down his presidential campaign.

"I rented my Ford Focus through November 4th!" said Mr. Czeck outside of a Orlando-area Lubby's Cafeteria. "That means I'm still on the campaign trail. However, I am willing to entertain treaties of surrender from Senators McCain and Obama."

While chances are slim that Mr. Czeck will receive any such concessions from the two front runners, Mr. Czeck continues to display an over-confidence that bordered on delusional and psychotic.

"I picked out some new flooring for the Oval Office," said Mr. Czeck, digging out samples from the back of his dusty Ford Focus. "It's Pergo! It just clicks together!"


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Transcript: Angry Czeck Phones McCain After Big Debate

Transmission intercepted by an old Soviet satellite orbiting 30KM over Phoenix, AZ.

Dial tone. Ring...

(Voice believed to be) Sen. J McCain: Yeah. Gimme some straight talk!
Angry Czeck: John! Hey! Angry Czeck! What the hell happened?
Sen. McCain: Oh, uh...hey, you!
AC: Look, I'm at Oxford now, and I'm telling you nobody knows anything about a debate!
Sen. McCain: We had it Friday night, Czeck. Me and Barrack were wondering where you were. Dude, we tried to call you.
AC: Friday! Yes, I was there, man! Right when and where you said! Friday, 8 o'clock, Oxford, England. I bought a new suit and –
McCain: Wait...hold on! Did you say "Oxford, England?"
AC: Yeah! Nobody has even heard of me here!
McCain: Czeck, the debate was in Oxford, Mississippi.
(long pause)
AC: Dude, I swear you said –
McCain: No, no, I said "Mississippi." I was tortured for five years by the Communists, so don't tell me I don't know what I told you.
AC: Sorry, John. I'm not questioning your patriotism. I'm just saying...I mean, I swear somebody said "England."
McCain: Looks like you have a staff to fire.
AC: I don't have a staff. Listen, who's going to reimburse me for this airline ticket? I mean, I barely have enough money to get back to the airport let alone to the States.
McCain: You'll have to talk to Obama's people. They're in charge of expenses.
AC: Yeah. Okay! Hey, I don't want to miss the next debate. Where is it?
McCain: Aw, it's crazy, AC! They're hosting it in Baghdad.
AC: In Iraq? Is that safe?
McCain: Shit yeah, very safe! I walked through the streets several months ago with barely a full platoon.
AC: ...It's just that I haven't got my Secret Service dudes yet...
McCain: Yeah. Remember: BAG-DAD. Wear the American flag pin I sent you.
AC: Yeah, about that pin. It looks really huge...like a target...
McCain: You're cutting out, AC. See you in Iraq, Son!
AC: Wait! John! Don't hang-

End of Call

Angry Czeck Linked to the Sinister Cat Stevens.

AP - The Angry Czeck experienced his first taste of the cynical press corps today when the Presidential candidate fielded questions outside a Detroit-area Red Roof Inn.

"Mr. Czeck," shouted a reporter, "is it true that you have tracks from Cat Stevens on your iPod? And if so, how do you defend your support of a suspected Muslim terrorist?"

"Uh...I just like Peace Train. Cat Stevens is a terrorist?" stated Mr. Czeck.

"Is it true that you listen to Peace Train when contemplating your next terrorist move?" inquired a second journalist.

Mr. Czeck then went on the offensive. "Listen, I also have Jars of Clay on my iPod, which should more than seal my Christian credentials. You guys remember Jars of Clay, right?"

"Is it true that when you play Aqualung backwards, you receive a special message from Osama Bin Laden?"

"Who would want to listen to Aqualung backwards?" stammered a clearly flummoxed Mr. Czeck. "It's hard enough to listen to it forwards!"

Popular conservative talk-show host Sean Hannity then appeared from behind a nearby dumpster and screamed, "You just admitted that you're a Muslim and a terrorist! Your 'campaign' is nothing more than a jihad! How do you live with yourself?"

That was when Mr. Czeck abruptly cut off the press conference, claiming that he needed to argue a few "bogus charges" to his Red Roof bill with the hotel manager.

Associated Press

Endorsements Piling Up for Angry Czeck

AP - Inspired by George Bush’s List of Allies in the Fight Against Terror (and For Freedom), The Angry Czeck announced his own list of allies – official endorsements for his Presidency of the United States.

“Sure, my supporters may not have the same star power as, say, Romania,” admitted Mr. Czeck outside his Mobile Ragequarters (currently a leased Ford Stratus). “But where my allies lack in notoriety, or wealth, or influence, or education, of hygiene, or connections, they make up for with fury!”

A stoned teenager then proceeded to pass out what appeared to be copies of a hastily constructed, hand written list, which had been printed on the back of a Domino’s Pizza flyer. The list contained people and organizations who, as Mr. Czeck claims, “have pledged unflagging allegiance to a new era of rancor.”

Included on the list:

1. Uncle Dave
2. Mexico
3. Two-thirds of Ace of Bass
4. Domino’s Pizza, Store #341 (Free Breadsticks w/ Vote!)
5. The Sloganeerist
6. Those guys who found Bigfoot
7. Dick L. Cheney (of Omaha, Nebraska)
8. The Re-Animated Corpse of Liberace
9. Ross Perot


Associated Press


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Day 2: Fundraising

Since the Secret Service security detail failed to show up, the Angry Czeck was forced to drive un-escorted to his first fundraising stop: Angry Mom and Dad's.

"I'm running for President!" I announced.

"Of what?" asked Angry Mom, suspiciously.

"President of the United States, Mom," I explained patiently. "I'm going to get this country back on track."

"Terrific. What do you want from us?"

"Your vote!"

(Awkward silence.)

"And a campaign contribution!"

(More awkward silence.)

I decided to double my efforts. "Listen, what are you? In your 50s? So I know you're not exactly thinking about the future. But what about my future? Do you really want my future determined by the current line-up of Washington bozos?"

Angry Dad reached into his back pocket. "So how much money do you need, son?"

"From you? About fifty grand."

Angry Dad removed his hand from his pocket.

"What's your platform?" asked Mom, looking to see what was showing on the Home Improvement Network.

"For starters, I'm socializing healthcare!"

As I pulled the Anger Mobile out of the driveway, the Angry Czeck reflected upon the failures of that moment and wondered if he might have more profitable visits with more distant relatives.



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DAY 1: AC Announces Intentions to Storm the White House.

"The Secret Service had better go to Lowe's and make me some fresh keys!" stated The Angry Czeck in a stirring and sometimes emotional speech to his fan. "Because unless they want me kicking in the front door of the White House, I'm a-coming in!"

The fan clapped his hands enthusiastically as The Angry Czeck announced his bid for the White House. Already, the two major candidates issued a release to the press.

"I'll put out a cigarette in his eye!" stated Senator Barack Obama.

Senator John McCain was even less articulate. "Me eat his bones!"

The Angry Czeck remained unperturbed. "Yessir, as soon as I get me my Secret Service detail, I'm hitting the streets of America!"

And then he sat down on the hood of his car, and he patiently waited for his Secret Service bodyguards to arrive.

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